Motivation for those
on the Autism Spectrum
By, Jaclyn Hunt MA,
CAS
A question
that I get asked on a daily basis from potential clients goes a little
something like this: “How do I make [Person’s Name] who has Autism/Asperger’s/PDD/ASD
to do [a], [b], and [c].” The simple
answer is: “You can’t.” Unless a person
is motivated and willing to change, there is nothing in the universe that will
make them change. That being said, there
are ways to encourage the desire and motivation to change as well as create an
environment that is safe and conducive to the desired changes. My job is to show families how to create that
environment in the home and at school as well as spark the desire for change in
each and every family member. When
conditions are right, the person on the autism spectrum has a clear choice
whether or not they want to participate in the progress of the rest of the
family, or fall behind and miss out on the fun.
In my experience, when there is an obvious choice between two options
with a clear and desirable outcome, most people on the spectrum take the next
step and choose one of those possibilities.
So let’s
take our example question and apply it to a real life circumstance. A mother calls me and is desperate to get her
teenaged son diagnosed with Asperger’s to sit down at the dinner table and eat
dinner with the entire family. Every
single day she prepares all of the foods he enjoys and caters to his every
demand and wish, but still he does not sit at the table and eat with the
family. She has tried begging him,
yelling at him, crying and breaking down in front of him out of frustration,
and tried her best to not even care at all.
Still, she has this strong desire to have her son sit at the dinner
table with the family because that’s what “successful” families do. “How do I make Jason, diagnosed with
Asperger’s, sit at the dinner table and eat dinner with the entire
family?” The short answer is still: “You
can’t.” However, there are things you
can begin to change today that will increase the likelihood that Jason will sit
at the table with the family for dinner sometime in the future.
Initially,
the first thing that needs to be done is to eliminate all expectations. Many parents have a difficult time doing
this. No matter how many times the
desired behavior did not occur, the parents still expect it to happen. This unrealistic expectation is going to lead
to disappointment and frustration not just for the parent but also for the
entire family. Soon the tension in the
air is so thick that even if Jason succeeds at sitting at the dinner table for
a few moments and decides to leave out of discomfort or uncertainty, an
explosion on the part of the parent will follow. This will cause Jason to never attempt to sit
at the dinner table again because his fear of doing it wrong or failing will
overpower his desire to be with the family and to make the family happy. If all expectations are eliminated, the
parent begins to shift the focus away from Jason and onto the dinner experience. A husband and wife can have dinner together,
the other siblings can participate, and the parental focus should be on the
here and now with the people who are present.
Even if you are the sole participant of the dinner, you must learn to
appreciate and enjoy the experience.
Now, once
all the expectations of Jason are eliminated and all participants actively
enjoy dinner, the mood of the dinner will have changed dramatically. Dinner is no longer a time of stress,
anxiety, and frustration. Instead,
dinner becomes a pleasurable experience where there is an air of safety, fun,
and excitement. Soon Jason may wander in
to see what he is missing out on. He may
even sit at the dinner table for a few moments.
If he is criticized in any way at this point he will retreat and never
come back. If he is praised and told
that it is nice to have him join the family, he is more likely to stay. Chances are he will leave immediately, but if
he leaves on a positive note of appreciation, rather than a negative response
to his presence, he is more likely to return the next night. So the second change on the part of the
parent is to keep the criticisms to a minimum and increase the praise and
positives as much as possible. Jason
needs a safe environment to engage in a socially difficult situation such as a
family dinner. If he is scared off or
feels like a failure from the beginning, he will decide to avoid that
particular situation in the future. On
the other hand, if he sees the potential that it could be a positive and
desirable experience, he will be back the next day to explore the possibility
further.
Additionally,
the third change that the family or parent must make is to have a never-ending
supply of patience while waiting for Jason to make his decision. Those on the autism spectrum frequently
examine every possible scenario, even those unrelated to the situation, at
length before they are able to come to a decision. Jason may not process everything that
happened at the first dinner until he experiences the consistency of it a few
times over. He may then stay for a
longer period of time and be stuck in that pattern for quite a while. If the parent loses patience at this point
they will undo all of the hard work everyone has currently put into getting Jason
to sit with them at dinner. It may seem
like tiny little steps to the family, but for Jason they are tremendous strides
that will eventually translate into every decision he makes in his entire
life. As he learns to make decisions he
will get quicker, more efficient, and more confident in his choices. Believe it or not, it all starts right here
at the dinner table.
Finally,
the family must be able to accept the fact that dining together may not be
something Jason can handle. Acceptance
is key because if the family can accept Jason’s discomfort he will be more
likely to continue trying for the future rather than shutting that door
forever. Furthermore, Jason will
generalize these decision-making skills to other aspects of his life. Perhaps he will come to a compromise such as
sitting on the couch facing away from the family rather than holed up alone in
his room. When the parent and entire
family accept the limitations of the person on the autism spectrum, they allow
that person to truly explore the world and figure out his or her place in the
world. When there is tension,
frustration, and anxiety there is isolation, fear, and lack of progress in the
autistic individual and the family unit as a whole. The goal to promote change in any person is accomplished
by changing everything else around that person and allow them to have a safe
place to assess the situation, figure out what they want from that situation,
and to be trusted enough to make the right choice. All choices are personal, and we all have the
right to choose works for us. That is the
very long answer to how you get someone with an ASD to change.
Jaclyn Hunt is a Certified Autism Specialist (CAS) and Life
Coach who specializes in the Autism and Special Needs Population. She works with
adults on the spectrum, parents of autistic children and adults, spouses of
adults on the spectrum, and anyone affected by autism or other related special
needs. Visit her website to learn more:
Twitter: @asnlifecoach
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AutismAndSpecialNeedsLifeCoach
